How Paddington Bear made it all the way to Britain on his own from Peru with only a few marmalade sandwiches to sustain him.

Why Paddington didn’t develop diabetes and/or ever fancy something else to eat and/or get into a right mess wearing sandwiches under his hat all the time.

Why nobody reported the Lost Boys as missing…  Surely someone would have noticed.

Why did Captain Hook never open fire on that blasted crocodile?

Why humorous writing in any format is underappreciated.  Where are the major literary awards for it?  The P.G. Wodehouse Prize is great but I want to see a funny novel win The Booker.  I want to see humour writing taken more seriously as an art form.  It is very difficult to write funny and I sometimes think this is looked down on.  Serious reviews tend to be about serious books.

Where the Famous Five got all that ginger beer from… 

When and for heaven’s sake why it was decided the old classic cartoons wouldn’t be shown on TV any more.  I used to love the five minute slots filled with Tom and Jerry and so on.

Why it was always the caretaker that was the bad guy in Scooby Doo - why didn’t the writers vary the format a bit?!  Great show though.

Why almost always the best writing is understated.  This applies through all formats too.  I’ve been rewatching one of my favourite comedy sketches - Morecambe and Wise (Andre Previn sketch).  The under-playing especially by Previn, who looked so deadpan, was wonderful.  Is still wonderful.  Less really is more.

How those mice in Bagpuss could fix practically everything you care to name.  I know mice can be clever little creatures but there is a limit!  And wasn’t Bagpuss tempted, even just once, to have an additional furry snack?  Cats do have powerful instincts!

Why it is the characters you love to read and write about are the ones you suffer the most.  Oh I know you need the drama, to see what your characters are made of and so on but there is something a bit sick about needing to see your characters suffer!

When is the best time to write.  I just write as and when I can, in common with most I suspect.  I don’t have time, literally, for the morning versus night owl debate. 

How you can criticize another’s work unless you regularly read in the fomat they write in and, ideally, write yourself so you know what the struggles are.

Why people think Bertie Wooster is a total idiot.  He isn’t.  Jeeves would never work for an imbecile.  Bertie is however far kinder than his friends deserve.  Mind I must admit I doubt if Bertie suddenly starting eating lots of oily fish would experience a great improvement in brain power.

What it takes to add something to the language or to traditions.  In Dickens’ case he did both.  Christmas isn’t quite the same without A Christmas Carol.  (The Muppet version with Sir Michael Caine is by far the best). •

Why there is a snobby attitude towards geeks.  I’m a geek when it comes to reading and writing yet it hardly does any harm.  People mock what they don’t understand!

Why Winnie The Pooh has never developed diabetes…

How The Famous Five managed to find adventures on their doorsteps.  Most people don’t.

Where Skippy the Bush Kangaroo developed the skills to communicate.  Most kangaroos don’t.

Why nobody got to the bottom of why Eeyore was always so depressed.

Why Harry Potter could never fix his own glasses.

Why comic novels (and in all genres) are in general terms looked down on given convincing comedy is so hard to write.

Where the idea of reading for pleasure has gone.  Much as I love initiatives to encourage reading, the fact we need these initiatives tells its own tale.  I find that sad.

How you can never predict in advance which characters/books/authors are going to take off.  It makes you wonder how many are overlooked who shouldn’t be.

When comic novels will be considered seriously for the serious book and arts prizes.  The same applies for genre novels, especially science fiction and fantasy.  Wodehouse, Tolkein and Lewis would have been worthy winners of the Booker.

Where people are supposed to go to borrow books when all the libraries have gone.  Borrowing books is a good way of testing an author out.  Often people then go on to buy works they like…  People who read and appreciate literature generally rarely riot.  But then what do I know?!

Why grammar is not studied so much these days in schools.  I love the way they’ve expanded literature (by the end of junior school my son had already been introduced to Dickens - this didn’t happen in my day) but grammar seems to have slipped.  This is not just due to texting but schools need to find a way of making grammar fun - after all language is all about clarity and for that you do need a decent grasp of grammar.

How books are undervalued in a way they’ve never been before.  They used to be the privilege of the rich - I’m glad that’s no longer the case - but unless you are a celebrity or your book sells millions and appeals to a wide age range, books are not appreciated.  I appreciate that makes me sound a bitter harridan (!) but books, when available to more and more people as education standards rose, were loved.  Penguin Books developed that but now?

Why literary writers look down on genre/commercial fiction writers.  The latter are the former’s bread and butter.  The publishing industry has to be supported by someone.

How and why literary feuds are played up for all they’re worth.  Everyone’s aware it’s done for publicity so doesn’t it lose its value as well as making folk concerned look rather petty?

Where all the scam “services” come from and, so often, where they disappear to, taking money with them!

How hackers have enough time on their hands to do what they do.

Why there are times when the ideas pour out of me and other times when I have to work at it more.  I’d prefer a steady flow!

Why Jane Austen named the heroine of Mansfield Park the way she did.  If ever there was a case of an author being caught out by the change in the meaning of words over the centuries, she is it.  I mean Fanny as a name - really?  Practically anything would’ve been better - Gertrude, Patience, Sarah.  I must admit Fanny Price is not my favourite - she seems too passive for me.

How P.G. Wodehouse managed to be so consistently funny.  Not that this matters too much.  I’m just glad he did.

Why short stories are looked down for being “easy”.  This is almost certainly said by people who have never tried writing them.  What they forget is especially in writing to a strict word count, that takes discipline.  The whole idea of a short story is to focus one idea.  It’s intense writing while the novel you can expand your ideas. 

Why markets for short stories are vanishing as with pressures on time that practically everybody feels these days surely these are the perfect fiction for those who still like to read and have to do it in a hurry!

How the new lady in charge of BBC Radio 4 could ever think it a good idea to reduce the short story slots in favour of yet more news!  It is a mad idea.  People want to escape the news and short stories are a great way of doing so!

Competition deadlines all loom at once and before someone says get organized, I am!  Seriously, give yourself loads of time before entering any competition.  You’ll be amazed and not in a good way how quickly the time vanishes.

Where time goes when I write.  I swear it speeds up.

When the publishing industry will see sense, only bringing out those celebrity books where the celebrity actually has something interesting to say, and back its midlist authors more.  What is the point of driving the midlist authors away?  They at least earn steadily…

Why pencil tips break off at an inconvenient moment.

Why the phone goes just as I’m concentrating on something - and the call is never that important either.

Why when your biro leaks it’s always on the odd occasion you’ve stowed it in a pocket so the mess goes everywhere and then you spend ages trying to clean the ink up.

Why the odd occasion you forget to back up your work is the night you get a major power fault and lose that evening’s work!

Why people think it’s a good idea to become famous for doing very little then write a book about it.  Can we save books for people with ideas - fiction and non-fiction?  You just get the feeling books are just something these “celebrities” just “do”.  Do is probably the right word there too!

Where time goes to when I’m writing.

How it’s so easy to underestimate how a long a piece of writing will take (admittedly some days are just better than others for no obvious reason, hence why creative writing can’t be an exact “science”.  It’s very dependent on its human creators with all our frailties.  Still that’s what makes writing fun and our characters real.  We have to know what frailties are to produce them convincingly in our books.

I find it strange that everything happens at once sometimes - successes come in batches, failures likewise.  Also loads of competitions have the same deadlines so that means prioritizing (not a bad discipline for a writer of course but there are times it can be a pain).

And another Murphy's Law is demonstrated in how I can have ideas spill out of me one day, struggle for any the next. I want a continuous flow!

I have no idea where all my good ideas vanish to on a bad day!

I wish I knew why I can fill notebooks with good ideas and then forget to look at them again!

Why I never get as much time as I’d like to “write” (in this I include enough time to read fiction and non-fiction, writing blogs and magazines as all of this helps develop my writing abilities and I see it as Continuing Professional Development).

How characters take on a life of their own either when their creator leasts expects it or the characters take on a life the creator didn’t envisage! 

How some writers can write without any kind of plan.  I find I can’t do this.  I’ve got to have some idea in which direction I’m going, even if I change it later.  If I can get started, the rest will follow.

Why I overwrite (but this is not a complaint.  It’s easier to cut padding than have to add material.  It’s just a pity I can’t seem to write without the padding in the first place!  It’s not as if I put it in on purpose).

Where the wish to publish celebrity books where there isn’t a genuine story behind them comes from.  Surely you can only fool the people some of the time?  When people wake up to the fact so many of these books are awful, won’t it end in all such books, and biographies in general not being available at all?  Hasn’t quality got to prevail over quantity?  It ought to!

How ideas vanish at speed if you don’t write them down!

Why my bookmarks vanish…

Why I never have as much time for reading as I’d like.

Why I tend to go through “gluts” - gluts of reading history, fantasy, short stories and so on.

Why I get through biros and pencils in no time at all…

Why I love fairytales as much as I do, it’s enough that I do.  It’s kind of okay to have this attitude as a child.  At my age, it gets you labelled a geek.  Not that I care.  Geeks at least take an interest in something in life!

Why I can never pinpoint the exact moment my novels come to life.  I sense a “build up” and then the story and characters “take over” and it’s then I know I have something.  Something that is live.  Something that can be worked on.  Something that has promise.  I love those moments.

Why when loved ones catch you staring into space, it somehow doesn’t seem like you’re working!  Never despise thinking time.  Doing boring jobs such as housework can be useful for giving your mind time to think so that when it comes to writing, you can get right down to the practical stuff far more quickly.

I don't understand how it is possible some children in the UK in this day and age no longer own any books.  How and why did this happen?  (Oh and I’d have The Gruffalo as compulsory reading for the under 7s).

Why everyone thinks they could be a writer but then the vast majority don’t bother actually doing the job!  Does anyone automatically think they could be a taxidermist if only they had the time?  I suspect most writers get fed up with the time excuse and perhaps wish the speakers would indeed “stuff it”!

Why do hackers find the time to do what they do and why they bother…

Why Microsoft ever bothered coming up with Vista.  I’ve not found anyone with a good word for it.

I would love to know where my good ideas go to the moment I feel even remotely tired…

How I can lose pens quickly when I’m really careful with my phone, keys, purse and so on.

Why when I am really pushed for time, my writing flows as if I can’t get the words out quickly enough.  When I’ve more time spare, which doesn’t happen as often as I’d like, I often find it harder to get the words out.  Answer:  always be busy!

Why I never have as much time to write as I'd like.  You can't have too much time I think.

Why someone thinks it a good idea to close libraries… The word numpty springs to mind.

Why people talk about the death of the book.  There’s no reason why folk can’t love both e-books and “real” books.  Both have their place.

How I can get on and write short stories and novels but when it comes to preparing a synopsis I struggle.  The only comfort I have here is almost every writer feels the same way about this. I know it isn’t just me!

Why my spell and grammar checker doeesn’t seem to accept the word “their” or “theirs”.  I can’t think of any good reason behind this.

Why I never have as much time as I’d like for reading…

Why power cuts always happen in the middle of some important document…

Why people debate character versus plot.  For any story to work properly, you need both.  A good plot with a dull character fails.  A good character in a dull plot also fails.

How it always takes longer than you think to back up disks.

Why genre fiction, especially fantasy and science fiction, is looked down on.  I can understand people not liking it - we all have our own tastes - but to despise work just because it’s genre seems pointless to me.  If you’re going to despite anything, do it for a good reason.  Oh and the literary luvvies would do well to remember it is commercial fiction, a hell of a lot of this being genre, that keeps the publishing industry going and funds their work.

Why it is when I haven’t got a lot of time, my writing flows and flows and flows so I wish I had longer to get it all down on paper or on screen yet when I have plenty of time, the muse doesn’t flow as well as I’d like!

Why it is villains in stories hold such appeal given I know full well if I met such characters in life I’d keep well clear.

Why it is I never run of paper in my printer at the beginning or end of a story but always in the middle.  It never matters how long the story is either.

Why it is someone thought it a good idea to introduce zombies to the world of Jane Austen.  I’m all for the flexing of the old imaginative muscle but there is a limit and this book, to me, crossed it.  Zombies, yes.  Jane Austen, yes.  The two together?  No!

Where I put all my pens.  There are times the lot goes missing.  I don’t know about Terry Pratchett’s Eater of Socks.  In this house, someone’s doing something mysterious to our biros!

Why I can always find purple or green ink biros but not the standard black and blue.  The latter always vanish.  And before you ask I like the occasional bit of purple and green ink to brighten up my diary a bit!

Why my toner cartridge always runs out in the middle of a story and as I’m trying to get something out in the post quickly.  When I’m not in a hurry, my toner cartridge goes on for ages.

Why I never have enough time to read as much as I’d like!

Why shallow celebrity books make it on to the shelves in the first place yet alone sell.  I can understand those books where the celebrity really has led an interesting life but not those produced by those who are merely famous for being famous.  I appreciate this sounds like sour grapes but it is a slap across the cheeks for those who really do invent their own works and are trying to get them out there.

Why there is never a good time to buy a computer (though I’m glad I waited for Windows 7  - there was no way I was having Vista. I’ve seen what that’s done to my son’s PC and I’ve not heard a good word about it from anybody else).

Great Balls of Cheese – not such a hot rock and roll number after all but could capture the cheese rolling vote in Gloucestershire.

Rock Round the Lock – one for the canal users.

A Hard Day’s Nit – one for the nurses at school as they continue to wade their way through thousands of school children’s heads each year.

Last Rain to Clarksville – for when we get an automatic weather ordering service…

Lord of the Ankle Bracelet – lacks a certain something I think.

The Hob – one for cooking fans.

Catch 0 – Doesn’t sound as impressive as Joseph Heller’s original.  How do you catch zero in any case?  Equally could be Catch Nothing, which could be the BMA’s advice to the general public as it means waiting times at doctor’s surgeries would be vastly reduced.

Great Lack of Expectations – For the disinherited!

Mug Me, Kate – not quite what the musical people, or Shakespeare, had in mind.  This is for those occasions when the couple concerned have fallen out in a big way.

The Phantom of the Afternoon Matinee – lacks something of the grandeur of the original.

When I’m Leaning Wind Ows – This could be most uncomfortable.  And more than a little gusty.

The Li Ing – hardly the most truthful of musicals…

The Mouse Rap – this has a different sound from what Agatha Christie had in mind…

Pickwick Post It Notes – not so thorough as the papers (and definitely less classy)

Lease Mr Postman – Royal Mail workers for hire (will almost certainly charge more at Christmas).

Sin – a less wholesome virtue of the old Carpenters’ hit.  You’re more likely to have to be encouraged to sing than sin…  humans do the latter almost like an involuntary reflex action at times.

Tick to Rid – one for furry pet owners everywhere

Gone With the Light Breeze – but not very far I expect

Ride and Rejudice – a tribute to the Guardian typesetters!

A Man for All Seasons – not the classic film (and book) but a biography perhaps of a famous pizza chef

Murder on the Tesco Express – in the run up to Christmas, I know it can be murder in the Tesco Express

Blandings Estate – as in Council estate and not Castle, a bit of a let down after Wodehouse’s original and wonderful novel

(Alfa) Romeo and Juliet – one for the car fans.

Ivor the Gin – more of a personal characteristic than a children’s classic

The Happy Rinc – a tribute to ice skating emporiums perhaps…

The Temp – one of Shakespeare’s lesser known works and set in an office, several hundred years ahead of his time.  He really was a bright boy!

Ham – (Prince of Bacon!)

Leaping Beauty – the opposite to the original story but conjures up a nice image all the same.

The Near Miss Man –  I don’t know if there is a book called The Hitman but, if so, this is my reply to it.

Five Go to the Isle of Wight on A Cheap Day Return – doesn’t have quite the same ring as going to Kirrin Island does it?  I strongly suspect there’s nothing at all mysterious about the lovely Cowes, Ryde or Shanklin.

The Italian Work Experience Scheme – Where out heroes are only “meant to blow the bloody patio doors off” perhaps?

Kind Ears and Nets – to enhance the average twitter’s bird watching and ringing experiences perhaps?

The Lavender Slight Incline Gathering – not so enticing without the hill and mob perhaps?  A film of understatement maybe?

A Shot in the Ark – and Noah finds the unicorns aren’t going to survive the flood after all…

A Pocket Full of Weeds – really doesn’t sound good!

The Distant Aunt of Time – sounds cold…

Bleak Hostel – a lot of them genuinely are! 

The Lord of the Stationery Cupboard – just how threatening to society is the  manilla envelope?  Is the quest here to throw the stationery in a volcano?!

Pickpocketing on the Orient Express – Poirot wouldn’t get out of bed for this one.

A Caribbean Ordinary Day – Even Miss Marple would be bored by this.

Grate Expectations – one for the fire brigade!

A Tale of Two Villages – lacks the scale!

O Liver Rumba – conjures up horrible image of offal dancing around.

Going Second Class – this will be a lot slower than Going Postal!  Allow at least 4 days for delivery!

Woe in the Morning – strongly suspect Wodehouse could never write a book like this

Philadelphia Cheese Story! – possibly might go mouldy if left out for too long!

Lost in Pace – the marathon runner’s  nightmare of a book.

The Solitary Cyc – no doubt the original Sherlock Holmes story cyclist got knocked off his bike in this version!

A Stud in Scar – A romantic novel?  A fighting book?  Certainly a world away from the original.

A Bit of Bad Baking is Announced – Not quite as gripping as Agatha Christie’s original idea I fear.

Ittle Orrit – doesn’t show Dickens to his best

Hatch 22 – not exactly an anti-war book, more a guide to poultry!

Win in the Will – the Probate lawyer’s favourite book!

Mrs Dale’s Post It Note – lot less to say than in a diary (though some might say that was a good thing)

The Da Vinci Cod – one for the fish fans

You Ran M’Lord? – one for Sebastian Coe only I suspect

I Could’ve Driven All Nit – out of hair?  Or all idiots out of town?

99 Red Baloos – Mowgli’s friend undergoes a colourful and numerical transformation

(Lack of) Persuasion – a short book indeed!

Chickens Have Wings – But then P.G. Wodehouse knew that.  There’s nothing like telling tales of the expected to kill all sense of suspense.  Incidentally on the original Pigs Have Wings what I’d like to know is what type of wing, how far can they get off the ground and does anybody ever spot them flying (hence the origin of the saying “when pigs fly”?)!

Unlucky Jim – Though it could still be a comedy funnily enough.

Perfectly Normal Sisters – Though Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg would deny there being anything remotely normal about them.

Witches Staycation – Okay Granny and Nanny wouldn’t have had to worry about feeling the horrendous cold in their nether (and other) regions on their flight to Genua, but they would’ve missed out on all the trouble, sorry adventure.

A Tale of Two Hamlets – crosses Dickens and Shakespeare!  But taking Dickens as the main inspiration, there’s something about a hamlet that says “Quaint”.  Even the sound of the word “cities” conveys a sense of importance.  My version would kill that!

Death on the River Piddle – definitely not as grand as the Nile and sounds like a spoof.

Robinson Barley Water – lovely to drink but to read?!  Where would you put Man Friday?

Men at Legs – again appears to lack something to entice you to read.

The Old Man and the Puddle - not so dramatic as Hemingway's version.  Probably leads to lots of incontinence jokes though.

One Flew into the Cuckoo's Nest - which would be a good trick given cuckoos don't build nests.

Road to Surbiton - not the same as Perdition.  There are some people who like Surbiton.

Roadwalker - Wily E Coyote would have been in with more of a chance had the cartoons been turned into a book of this name.

Pride and Precious Little Else - Jane Austen's wonderful novel has subtlety.  This version, you can just tell by the title, would not have.

Gremlin - One alone is probably not going to cause much bother...

The Inner City Sprawl Book - but which is the fiercest jungle - this one or Kipling’s original?

Chops - Not so frightening as Jaws though meat is still involved!

The Man Who Was - Not so intriguing as the Goon Episode.  The word “never” makes a huge difference.

The Pale Donkey - hasn’t the same ring as Agatha Christie’s pallad horse.  Can there ever be anything frightening about a donkey?

A Midsummer Night’s Nightmare - not exactly a patch on Shakespeare.

The Light Breeze - there is something dramatic about the word “Tempest” isn’t there?

Richard the Unfairly Treated - even if Shakespeare had wanted to write this, he dare not.  Who’s going to tell Elizabeth Tudor her granddad was a usurper?

Hell in a Handcart - would this count as a How-to-do manual, a bleak memoir or a statement as to how the publishing industry is going.

The Not So Secret Seven - don’t think this would have gone down well with Enid Blyton’s market.

Rubbish Island - Aside from naming those places that could qualify for this title, fun can be had imagining the disappointment (to put it mildly) of Robert Louis Stevenson’s pirates searching for their loot here!

The Scarlet Pumpernickle - Not sure the French revolutionary leaders would have feared this figure.  Indeed they’d be looking for a decent recipe to put it in.

Alassin - Equal rights for the girls at last.  Why should Aladdin have it all his own way?

The Blue Slippers - Would the wicked lady dance to her death in these?

Wolf Flat
A bit of a comedown, especially for the likes of Thomas Cromwell.

Sparkling Apple Juice - No match for Agatha Christie’s cyanide original.  Mind I’d take the apple juice every time.

The Mystery of the Blue Train…  Is Why It Always Runs Late - For some reason Agatha Christie dropped the rest of the title!

Sam The Not-At -All Sudden - The first draft P.G. Wodehouse turned down?

Money Under the Mattress - The first place it goes the moment there’s any kind of trouble with the banks.

The Dodgy Relatives of Time - I prefer Josephine Tey’s book.  The Daughter of Time is one of those rare books that made me change my mind about something, in this case the innocence of Richard III. 

A Tale of Two Motorway Bypasses - not something to set the imagination alight!

The Poodle of the Baskervilles - not exactly terrifying, is it?

Not-at-all Good Expectations - shows how important a good title is.  Dickens did it better and with economy of word count too!

Hotel du Lack - No room service, no heating, no telly etc.

Uncle Fred Stays at Home - Unthinkable, surely!  Mind if ever there was a character to cause absolute mayhem by just staying at home, Uncle Fred is it.

Service with a Scowl - Which in some establishments is exactly what you get.

Gone with the Nasty Case of Wind - IBS can be a right pain in the intestines!

The Mirror Stays in One Piece Much to the Relief of All - not such a natty title as that invented by Agatha Christie.

Men at Point Duty - Lacks something when compared to Pratchett’s original though I suspect Colon and Nobbs wouldn’t mind this.  There’s very little danger involved!

The Fifth Mouse - Not such a threat as an elephant I think…  And presumably the Grim Squeaker got the other four.

Being Misunderstood by The Daleks - Their chance to put their side of the story.  No prizes for guessing who doesn’t come out of this in a good light.

The Straw Man of Hay -  as opposed to Barbara Erskine’s Lady of Hay (a good but sad time slip novel).  This is the obvious pun I expect.

To Stuff a Mockingbird - Author anonymous on bird cruelty grounds!

The Tale of the Fox that Got Peter Rabbit - not one for very young children I think!

The Book in the Library - Hardly something worth asking Miss Marple to investigate.

Misery in the Afternoon - Not something Wodehouse would write, quite the opposite in fact.

Harry Potter and the Beaker of Ribena - Lacks a little something I think.

Five Go to Puffin Island - Birdwatching is great but not a lot of adventures to be had I feel.

Watership Up - Would this title give the heroic rabbits a story to live up to?

Swallows and Amazon - The online shopping company is not the best companion for a child’s adventure story.

Bleak Prospects - So often the way for a Dickens’ character...

The Day of the Jack in the Box - action thriller or a bit of a let down?

The Day of the Plant Pot - not as scary as John Wyndham’s original.

Five Up Before the Law Again - not quite what Enid Blyton had in mind.

Dr Maybe - Not a definite villain!

From Surbiton With Disdain - Who gives the disdain? Surbiton or the rest of the world towards Surbiton?  (Chosen to give Slough a break.  The ultimate in criticism surely must be Betjeman’s famous poem - “come friendly bombs and fall” - what an elegant way of saying somewhere is the absolute pits!).

A View to a Dental Appointment - Not so exciting as the original Bond book.

Kind Hearts and Berets - A little less posh than the original (and yes Alec Guinness is marvellous in it).

One of the great joys of writing is to have fun with words.  I adore word play and from time to time have a go at word games (some inspiration for these comes from both I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and Cabin Pressure).  Below are some less than impressive titles I came up with:-

The Remains of the Morning Rush Hour - doesn’t convey the grandeur of The Remains of the Day!

Lord of the Bling - doesn’t give a feel for the scale of good versus evil conveyed by the original version.

Snow Off White - Off as in standoffish or as in gone off like rotten eggs?

Pride and Precious Little Else - Somehow this title I think would have let Miss Austen’s novel down.

Big Bother - Sounds like a fuss about nothing, unlike the original.  And just how many authors contribute phrases to the language?

Misplaced Luggage on the Orient Express - Doesn’t conjure up the wonderful story by Agatha Christie, does it?  I can’t see Poirot being interested in the Lost Property Department!

The Habit - Could be an interesting book but not in the fantasy genre, I suspect.  Name a habit that has hairy feet…!

Five Go On a Bus Trip - I think Enid Blyton would pass on this one…

Not-so-Little Women - I suspect this title would go into a totally different bookshelf section than the original book by Louisa May Alcott.

Gulliver Stays at Home - Also known as how to kill a story idea…

Pilgrim’s Lack of Progress - No story there!

The Cat, the Fairy and the Flat Pack Chest of Drawers - Not an obvious contender for the Narnia series.

An Isle of Wight Mystery - At least Miss Marple wouldn’t have had so far to travel... 

Shakespeare’s “to be or not to be”
Is not the question; what to heed
Is what to let your reader see
And how much back story you need.

Never give too much back information all in one go.  Drip feed it in to your story so your readers absorb it.  If it’s done as one big block, it will stick out as a huge amount of narrative, the bits people tend to “skip”.  Also don’t give away every single bit of detail.  As a reader, I like working things out about characters and later finding out whether I’m right or not.  All I need are the appropriate clues!


Ideas can be fleshed out in outlines
Which can save many an author’s whines
As it helps you stay on tangent
You write what you originally meant.

I use an outline for most of what I write now.  I find an outline helps me not to repeat myself and if I get a “brilliant” idea while writing, I can look at my outline and see if it can fit in or improve this section and add it in accordingly.  I do tend to overwrite and the outline helps me stick to the point.  I don’t go into minute details but give myself enough information to get started, to see where the story is heading and what the ending will be, giving me room to expand ideas.  It’s also nice being able to see yourself work through an outline as you write your story and see how you’re making progress.

Do you read as widely as you can
To work out what it is you love the most
To be inspired and, frankly, to scan
What works, what doesn’t, thanks to your host
Author showing you what they have done?
Can you work out why?  Are they able
To surprise with their prose, even stun?
Does their work have a “catchy” label?

Reading is very much part of writing (how else can you work out what you want to write?).  Knowing what works and what fails can hopefully help you “copy” good techniques and ignore those that aren’t!  Knowing where work fits on the shelves can help you target ultimately your audience and more immediately hopefully an agent and publisher.

Do you know just where your book fits
In the market in the UK?
This is to help your pitch so its
•Impact makes an agent say “aye”
To taking you and your work on.

Also by knowing this information you could and should check out what others authors in the field are writing so you know how you fit in, how you can justify a spot for your work (and if you really love your genre, you’d want to read these for pleasure anyway).  An agent will want to know you know your stuff!

Don’t forget to always keep yourself up to date
With what is happening now in the writing world
As well as considering your characters’ fate
See what the industry has already unfurled.
A subscription to a writing mag
Will give you the information – it’s in the bag!

And such writing magazines will also give you details about competitions they run and/or recommend as well as useful hints for improving your work.  It also makes a fascinating read in itself.  It will also show agents and publishers you are taking matters seriously by taking an interest in the world you wish to enter.


When it comes to writing competitions
Make sure you know what you need to do
Or your fledgling success ambitions
Will disappear, taking your morale too
Use what typeface and font they ask for
Ensure you follow all of the rules
I know this sounds a terrible bore
But use your writing skills, your writing tools
And don’t throw possible success away
By not following whatever they say
About how submissions are to be sent in
Don’t let disobeying rules stop your win!

I’ve read so many interviews where judges say they have to discount a high percentage of competition entries due to people not following the rules properly.  So automatically by making sure you do follow the rules, you give your story a much better chance.

Reading non-fiction can inspire your work
As it can spark off many ideas that
Wouldn’t usually occur; this is a perk
To your reading and writing.  Go on, pat
Yourself on the back as you meld different
Ideas from varying sources and create
Something truly unique, that has its own bent,
Your own voice, maybe something critics will rate.

As a writer, you need to keep your ideas and thoughts flowing so reading from a wide variety of sources, including non-fiction, is a really good idea.  Some odd story of an invention can spark off fictional tales.  I’ve used a historical form of government.  So keep reading! The wider the range the better.


Give the writing competitions a try
But make sure they’re reputable ones so
A shortlisting or a win then earned by
Your story can boost your CV and show
All agents and publishers you can write
Well, to a theme, to a deadline and tight. 

It’s always cheering to be able to put a list of writing successes down for a letter to an agent and/or publisher.  A lot of the competitions will also give feedback for what is usually a small additional fee.  And practicing writing to order is always a good idea.  I’ve found it’s sharpened my writing skills.

How do you know if you’re a real writer?
Is it because you’ve got your work “out there”?
No!  The real writer is a prize fighter
Against rejections and those who don’t care
About your work, struggles or even you.
You have to write, no matter what you do.
You’d write even if you couldn’t be paid.
You never let your writing become staid.

I guess that can be summed up as “don’t give up”!  It certainly does mean taking rejections on the chin, expecting to get them and where there are comments seeing what you can learn from them.  And the more you write the quicker you learn.  It can be a case of putting in the work at the old typeface!  The more you write the quicker you will get to prose that flows because you’ve already practised writing it.


Give the writing competitions a try
But make sure they’re reputable ones so
A shortlisting or a win then earned by
Your story can boost your CV and show
All agents and publishers you can write
Well, to a theme, to a deadline and tight.

It’s always cheering to be able to put a list of writing successes down for a letter to an agent and/or publisher.  A lot of the competitions will also give feedback for what is usually a small additional fee.  And practicing writing to order is always a good idea.  I’ve found it’s sharpened my writing skills.

Cherish the short story
And don’t let the form die.
Crime, Humour, Fantasy
Love tales that cause a sigh
Celebrate them and read
Anthlogies and mags
Write your own, sow the seed
So the form keeps going.

I love reading and writing short stories (though the challenge of getting to a word count can be frustrating at times).  I very much hope to get a short story collection of my work out at some point.


If you want to find out what your “stars”
Are made of, go on, put them through hell.
Stretch them and give them high enough bars
To overcome before they do well.
Give them virtues, also give them flaws.
Show them making a pig’s breakfast out
Of achieving their just, noble cause
Actions show what your tale’s all about.

The best characters are the ones that stick in the memory and all of those tend to have flaws you can identify with as well as being heroic.  My hero, Sam Vimes from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, is a decent guy but doesn’t bother hiding his prejudices (he’s learning to live with the other species around him albeit somewhat grumpily).  And I love the character precisely because he is flawed yet still fights evil, criminality and, if he really could have his way here, stupidity.