Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.


Jennifer’s choice in men - Abysmal! 
Eileen can think of at least a thousand others she’d have chosenfor her daughter before even considering Paul as a possibility.  Does Jennifer care?  No!  And that galls her mother the most, along with knowing Jennifer gets a great deal of pleasure from knowing this.

Work - Something you just get on and do. 
Eileen can’t imagine a life without work.  Even in the Fairy Kingdom, you are defined by what you do. 

Realism
Eileen is all for practicality, sensible thinking and logic but is also aware that for things like the arts and faith an alternative way of thinking is more appropriate.  You can’t just appreciate a picture just by looking at what colours were used for example.  Generally then Eileen treats realism like fire - it’s a great servant but a rotten master.  This attitude brought Eileen into early conflict with Brankaresh but the fact he couldn’t argue against realism and rationality being everything annoyed him much to her great delight.  As she said, sometimes you do need more than “reality”, you need more than what you can actually see with the naked eye.

Playtime
Where Eileen gets to blast some annoying sprite or puts an uppity wizard in their place.  Before she got fed up with the Queen sending her out on dangerous missions all the time, Eileen used to enjoy her job.

Babycare
Eileen believes in imposing a strict routine but Jenny has learned to become more flexible.  She sticks to the important points of a regular bath, story and bedtime routine.  Meal times are less vital though she’s usually within half an hour of standard times.  Eileen thinks Jenny is a bit lax but for once doesn’t dare say so because of the latter’s battle with PND.  Jenny knows this and it’s helping her to enjoy motherhood more - her mother is there for advice and not for interfering.  This is a very different role for Eileen!

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Reading
One of life’s great pleasures and one which generally bypasses Eileen.  While she does read a book now and again, Jenny is by far the greatest reader.   Eileen tends to distrust fiction and the writers who can make things up.  She wonders if this trait spills over into their “real lives”.


Wildlife
Eileen sympathizes with Fresdian/Rose’s attitude to the natural world and did what she could to show the magical world Fresdian was not a “nutter”.  Indeed Eileen backed Fresdian up with evidence showing caring for the wildlife and environment tended to produce positive results for the realm as a whole.  After all those that care for one kind of life usually tend to care for all forms of life.


Medicine
Eileen sees this as welcome proof humans can actually care for one another.  To develop something to cure, as opposed to killing, is for her proof humans don’t have to be destructive, polluting, war mongering.  Naturally this view is not popular in the Fairy Kingdom.  It’s much easier to just to be prejudiced though Eileen has told the Queen that surely the realm would not have been given a divine commission to watch Earth unless that planet and its inhabitants had at least some promise.


Trouble - What Eileen deals out to those deserving it.  She sees trouble as her speciality - causing it and dealing with it.


Meddling - Eileen defines this as a necessity!  Where there’s evil about, someone needs to meddle and sort it out.  This is her role.  • •Power Lust - A cross dimension/universe phenomenon, Eileen loathes it with every fibre of her being.  Eileen sees her own power as to be used for the greater good but is very aware that this can be misused.  Eileen criticizes her own actions to make sure she is on the straight and narrow.  Her own massive pride would not allow her to become evil.  She likes to be “better than that”.  But the lack of humility drives her daughter nuts at times…


Soap - Something Eileen feels most of the magical species could do with using more often.  The Queen is fond of bathing in milk (which Eileen considers a waste of gold top, naturally the monarch wouldn’t have anything else), the sprites don’t bother with soap at all and Eileen, while not sure what arrangements the dwarves and trolls have in this department, is certain it isn’t nearly adequate enough!

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.


Prejudice
According to Eileen, this is irrational disagreement with Eileen’s opinions!  Eileen sees herself as upright and honest, which she is, but doesn’t see where she is prejudiced.  Her criticisms of the Queen have sometimes been too harsh.  The Queen has had to think of the safety of the realm.  The Witch did little to help Eileen, when Eileen went out on a limb to support her.  It wasn’t unreasonable of the Queen to want the Witch to stop all violence.  Eileen, in the Queen’s view, did not speak out enough here, blinded by her own “prejudice” that the Witch must have been wronged in all things, rather than being right in some and totally in error in others.


Memory
A pain in the brain, Eileen feels, believing many things are best forgotten.  The Queen has a phenomenal memory for all the things the Witch did wrong.  Naturally the Queen feels Eileen needs her memory examining.  Eileen feels humans have the unfortunate tendency to remember all the wrong things too (though she thinks Remembrance Day is one of the few honourable exceptions).


Harmony
Something Eileen truly doesn’t understand because she’s never known any!  Nor has she been the cause of harmony.  Eileen suspects it of being something soppy and that definitely isn’t for her.


Jealousy
Something Eileen sees as a complete waste of time.  Mind, if another woman took an interest in Derek, she would change her mind.


Patience
This is something Eileen aspires to!  She also feels that the Queen doesn’t have any either though the monarch takes the opposite view.  Roxannadrell feels she’s shown loads of patience to her rebellious cousin, indeed far more than any of her ancestors would’ve shown.

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Civilization
A society where nothing stops Eileen having sex with Derek, lots of cups of tea, lots of books to read and where chocolate is recognized as being good for one’s health.  It also involves decent plumbing.  Eileen adores hot showers…  and they’re even hotter when she decides to share with Derek!

Nature
Those things that are not human but which make noises, most of which sound peculiar, squelch, fight and mate and make a great big fuss about either or both, and where mess is compulsory.  Eileen, while wanting to take care of the environment and those dependent on it as this is generally A Good Thing, is not one for rambling on nature walks and so on.  Other people can get wet, muddy and/or cold and in Britain these things are guaranteed!

Music
For Eileen this is classical music and some light pop music.  For Jenny it also encompasses most forms of rock (which Eileen defines as mere noise).  Eileen considers music one of the most beneficial forces in all known universes and is pleased it made it to Earth.  Jenny considers that attitude patronizing in the extreme.

Holidays
Eileen isn’t that keen on leaving home, partly due to having done all the travelling she ever wanted to do back in the Fairy Kingdom, and partly due to worrying she’d return to find the marital home destroyed by a vengeful Fairy Queen.  Eileen has had holidays with Derek (he insisted), which have mainly consisted of trips to stately homes and gardens.  Eileen has enjoyed these but one of her prepacking jobs to do is to protect the marital home with every force field and protection spell she can think of, not the usual wifely thing to do.  Jenny and Paul, before having Edward, head up to Scotland.

Peace
For Eileen this is when she is left well alone to live her life with Derek without interruption.  For quite a while after her defection and marriage, Eileen and Derek were left alone but sadly this is no longer true. And Eileen is irritated by this.  The Kingdom should be able to manage without her especially now the Chief Witch and Brankaresh are gone.  Eileen knows the Queen is looking for any excuse to drag her back…

Dieting
Something neither Eileen nor Jenny has to bother with, both being naturally slim.  This is one area where Jenny would be tempted to use magic to help her and yes Eileen would condemn it as hypocrisy.  Jenny would then condemn her mother for the same thing given Eileen has always used magic to help herself as the need arises!

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Rioting
What humans term rioting, Eileen sees as slightly excitable demonstrations, having seen in the magical world what a real riot is.  It’s not a case of escaping with your life here, more a question of are you going home in the shape and form you went to the riot in?!  Not a problem that affects humans generally.

Partying
See rioting comments above!

Acting
Eileen admires human acting.  She loves dramas and comedies and admires the way a good performance can inspire others, can take people out of themselves and sees it as humans doing something useful as opposed to fighting.  She also believes the Fairy Queen acts all the time in pretending to be nice when the monarch is trying to force her will through on Eileen and Jennifer.

Etiquette
The snob’s version of good manners.  Eileen has no time for it.  She would rather just be polite and have done with it.

Trouble
As far as Eileen’s concerned, she’s it.  It’s something she’s very proud of but Jenny does not share the enthusiasm.  Eileen’s trouble has a nasty habit of rebounding on her.

Rambling
The posh person’s version of a nature walk.  Again Eileen would just rather have a nature walk and have done with it.  She also loathes Kendle mint cake, mainly on the grounds it is bound to give far too much work to the Tooth Fairy.

Letter writing
One of the true art forms.  Eileen loves writing and receiving letters (though not from her cousin any more!).  One thing she has done on Earth is to join a pen pal network.  She sees this as part of her assimilation into human life. 

Procrastination
Something everyone else does.  Eileen takes her time making up her mind over important decisions. It’s for her to say how long that time should be.  Everyone else dilly-dallies though.

Hypocrisy
Again something everyone else does.  Eileen considers herself to be “flexible”, able to change her position as quickly as the circumstances demand.  Naturally for her everyone else doesn’t have the guts to stick to their original positions.  Equally naturally Eileen doesn’t see the hypocrisy in that attitude!  Her daughter does though.

Magic (as performed on Earth)
Eileen loathes conjurers.  There is no sleight of hand with her.  She either curses or she doesn’t!  Also she gives warning she’s about to issue a spell.  She does not see misdirection, especially designed magical equipment anywhere near the level of her magic.  If she had her way she’d transform all “magicians” into something nasty but so they knew then what real magic was!

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Central Heating
Eileen defines this as being weak-willed unless you’re over 80.  She knows cold when she comes across it!

Photography
A gross invasion of the soul according to Eileen.  She’s not been keen to be snapped when she returns to the Palace after yet another dangerous mission.  Indeed last time out she threatened to ram the offending camera somewhere its owner would find it difficult to retrieve from.  The owner backed off quickly.

Journalism
The perfect job for any nosey parker who wants that attribute to be official.

Government
What the inevitably bossy seek to get into so they can be bossy officially over everyone else.  To be treated warily at all times.

Leisurewear
In Eileen’s view, nothing but polyester tat.  While she likes separates, she always goes for quality.  She likes natural fabrics - silk, cotton etc - and won’t wear manmade fibres.  They’re simply not as good as nature fibres.

Talent Shows
Regrettably Eileen’s views are unprintable.

Politicans
Those folk who lie for a living and get away with it.

Political Interviewers
Those folk who know their subjects are corrupt but can’t prove it.  Much crawling is involved though to his credit Roherum doesn’t do that.  He asks direct questions, naïve questions, anything he thinks might be interesting or useful.  In fairness, he usually gets it right.  He’d never rival Paxman or Humphries but can do a passable interview.

Gardeners
While politicians come up with total manure in answering questions, gardeners get on with the business of putting real manure around the roses and so on.  Eileen knows what is the more honest profession.

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Toddler and Mums Groups
Those places where the little darlings scream their heads off and their shattered mothers have cups of tea and share mutual sympathies.  Not the place to go if you’re migraine prone.

Art = A mess
(Unless it’s a nice landscape or a sculpture you can make sense of, Eileen’s tastes here are very traditional).

Clowns
Men who like tonnes of makeup and big, useless shoes are to be avoided in Eileen’s books.  She can’t get her head round this at all and understands why some folk do have a phobia here.

Dentists = Agents of the Tooth Fairy and not to be trusted. 
Eileen’s never visited a human dentist.  Nor does she have any plans to change that.

Toffee nosed
Eileen applies this to anyone who doesn’t seem to appreciate her blunt manner of speaking.  By definition that would mean about 90% would end up being called this by Eileen.

Diplomat
Someone who tells lies for their government.  Not a role Eileen could take.

Schools
A place to keep children out of the way and busy.  Eileen likes this.  A child with not much to do heralds trouble as far as she’s concerned.

Terror
The appropriate response for anything remotely evil when confronted by Eileen.

Housekeeping
Managing the hell that is housework and again not for Eileen.  This kind of task can be left to others as far as she’s concerned.

Nocturnal
Normal shift as far as Eileen’s concerned.  The fact that it’s dark out there means nothing to her.

Obstinacy = What the Fairy Queen is guilty of
Eileen’s viewpoint is perfectly reasonable from her viewpoint only.  Eileen sees herself as being determined.

Rock Music = Unbearable noise
Not a view Jenny shares.

Classical Music = Heavenly noise! 
Jenny does share this view though her tastes in music are far broader than her mother’s.

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Mayhem
A little local difficulty that Eileen puts paid to (we’d define it as rioting).

Romance
Not pinching all the duvet off your spouse/partner.

Hollywood = Fantasy Land! 
Not good when an actual fairy godmother thinks this and that the place is crazy.

Bureaucracy
Something carried out by the incompetent, or so Eileen has found.  Yes she can make the Duke of Edinburgh seem the soul of tact but someone ought to, yes?  I’ve long believed the Duke is the Queen’s secret weapon.  Every time he puts his foot in it, she gets all the sympathy going from women whose husbands/partners have ever done likewise.

Public Transport
Recipe for chaos given it’s nowhere near organized other, the one exception being London.  Eileen can’t understand why outside the capital other buses and trains don’t run to time given they face far less traffic.  She herself resists using public transport as she knows she’d have to fight the temptation to get the old wand out and put things right on the network in a way no government could ever manage.  And that would attract the attention of the Queen…

Museums
Where you put old stuff, mostly purloined from other countries.  This doesn’t just apply to Britain either in Eileen’s book. 

Pageantry = Posh parade
Eileen likes the British Royal Family’s flair here.  She thinks it dignified.  The Fairy Queen tends to go overboard on the bunting and fairy dust and magical displays which Eileen has always felt was showing off.

Talent Shows
A vehicle showing the lack of imagination on the part of TV executives who could be commissioning new comedy, drama, thrillers etc and that’s regardless of the tat Eileen has so often spotted on these things.

Soap Operas
Whilst Eileen welcomes the fact these are dramas, she loathes the melodrama of these things.  She’d much rather the time slots were used for more comedy and/or sci-fi.  On this, Eileen and her author speak with the same voice.

Gardening
One of the best things humans do in Eileen’s view.  It’s being creative, contributing to the well being of the planet and is therapeutic for gardeners themselves.  Eileen also admires Derek’s great talent and hard work here.

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.


Fashion = Skimpy clothes which don’t flatter most women. 
Eileen wonders if the designers really like women or whether they’re having a laugh against the female sex.  If she can ever prove the latter, these designers will be in trouble!

Stillettos
Eileen occasionally wears these for going out for meals with Derek but this is mainly to prove she can wear them.  She wonders whether these were invented by someone wanting to drum up business for their chiropractice as goodness knows only how many women have had their spines put out by wearing these things.  Eileen doesn’t consider these as weapon.  She laughed like a drain at the Bond film where the woman has poison tipped blades coming out of her shoes.  Eileen considered these crude.  She never revealed where she kept her weapons.  It’s always best to keep the enemy guessing.

Silk Underwear
In Eileen’s eyes (and Derek’s!), the best clothing invention ever…

Love
Being prepared to get up in the middle of the night to help care for a sick child when the person doing this must be up early for work etc.  Eileen adores Derek for having done this.  She finds human ill health strange to deal with.  She’s literally never had a day off ill.  So when Jennifer shows signs of ill health, Eileen welcomes this assuming this means magic in the girl’s life must be limited.  On this the godmother is wrong.  Jennifer’s magical abilities have simply been suppressed and it was inevitable the dam would burst here.

Liking = An under-rated quality, Eileen thinks. 
It’s the ability to be liked for oneself.  Jennifer finds this easier to manage than her mother does, which comes as a surprise to nobody.

Debate
Where one person dominates the conversation, calls it a debate but interrupts everyone else and speaks interminably.  Eileen’s not surprised at the existence of the political debate programmes but refuses to watch them.

Climate Change
Eileen knows this exists.  She watched it happen from her days in the Fairy Kingdom.  She isn’t surprised sceptics pour scorn - it’s easier to do that than take responsibility for one’s actions after all.

Information
What Eileen needs to know.

Misinformation
When someone gives Eileen wrong information.  This happened in Eileen’s early career in the Kingdom.  Eileen gave them several painful zaps from her wand.  She was not deliberately misinformed again after that.

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Graciousness
All Eileen knows is that this isn’t for her.  It gets in the way of plain speaking.

Celebrity
As far as Eileen’s concerned, you can substitute the words “Waste of Space”.  She does not count as celebrities those who achieve great things in the arts or sport - she sees them as achievers.  She does count as celebrities those who are famous for being famous.  She cannot see the point of this.  The one thing that cheers her up on this is that most humans share the same view.  For her this is a sign she’s blending in well.

Housework = Hell. 
And what magic should be used for in Eileen’s view.  While she accepts the need for cleanliness, why go to all the effort yourself when a wave of the wand takes care of the jobs?  Her only proviso is to exercise caution with apprentices, brooms and buckets of water. 

Codswallop = What the Fairy Queen comes up with a lot of the time. 
Eileen likes this expression.  Indeed she’s fond of any words she can really put some venom into!

Politics = Needless bickering
Difficult to argue with Eileen here.  She'd far rather people just got on and got what needs to be done, done.


Political Journalism = Needless bickering written down or broadcast. 
A means of spreading political nonsense far further than it ought to go in Eileen's view.  She does not want politics at home or intruding her peaceful home life.

Wildlife
Those creatures that are not human and in most cases have a great deal more intelligence.  Eileen is not an animal lover per se but she would prevent them coming to harm and sympathizes with those that lose their habitat due to human activity.

Belligerence
What is shown towards Eileen by those who oppose her.  She is right, of course, but she rarely considers whether the belligerence could possibly be justified.

Photography
An art form to be treasured as much as landscape painting, music, sculpture etc.

Paparazzi
Scum who bring photography and genuine investigative journalism down into the gutter.

Winter = God’s resting period for nature. 
Eileen sees winter as having its own beauty.  She also sees no point in complaining about bad weather in winter.  What else should you expect during the winter season?

Spring = God’s creative time. 
While Eileen has some sympathy with hayfever sufferers, she sees spring as a time to be out and about.  She also sees spring as proof that humans are not the most creative species ever.

Summer = God's Time to enjoy Life time.
And not just for humans either.  Also time to get ready for harvest.

Autumn = God's Harvest Time/Winter Preparation Time
And proof that even when things are dying (for example leaves on trees) there is beauty to be enjoyed in that process.

Gossip = Information source. 
Eileen has put a stop to many a magical misdeed thanks to information gained this way.

CCTV = Cursed Contraption To (be) (a)Voided. 
Eileen hates the cameras.  While she has some respect for genuine investigative journalism, she sees CCTV as licensed snooping.

Eileen has a unique view on life given she’s one of the few to have two lives, each lived on differing worlds.  There are many aspects of human life and magical life she loves and loathes.  There are things about human life she still does not understand (and is aware she can hardly ask as it would alert Derek to there being something very wrong and Jennifer, still cross with her mother, is not going to co-operate).  So Eileen comes up with unique definitions for things we take for granted.

Newspaper = Muckraker. 
Though Eileen is not unique in thinking this.

Media = Nosey parkers with a licence to snoop. 
Also impertinent idiots who, not having a life of their own, think it okay to disrupt other people’s.

Broadcasting = Saying something as loudly as possible to as many people as possible
And, naturally from the broadcaster's viewpoint, without thought for the consequences. Definitely the case for FNN's The Royal Gossip Show.  It is just as well Roxannadrell is relatively tolerant (well at least compared to her ancestors and the Witch she is, which counts for something even in Eileen's critical thinking towards her cousin).

Troublemaker = Herself. 
Eileen sees this as something to be proud of. 

Reckless, Irresponsible Idiot = The Fairy Queen. 
Naturally Roxannadrell would swap these two definitions around.

Human = Destroyer of worlds
(They’re starting on Earth). Derek is the exception. Later Jennifer is also an exception.

Fairy Tale = Wishful thinking on the part of humans. 
Eileen considers the versions we have as far too wishy washy.  Her opinion of the Disney versions I could not repeat here. 

Alien = Anything Eileen finds strange. 
Given her wide experience with different worlds and species, and her run-ins with her regal cousin, there isn’t much Eileen does find alien.  When she does it tends to be related to how humans do things. Or it is something truly horrific she's not met before and the only answer is for her to destroy it and everyone else to run away terribly fast.

Men = Someone at the behest of their hormones. 
This does include Derek.  Not that Eileen is complaining.  Their marriage has been happy for a very good reason!

Women = Civilising Influence on Men. 
Eileen tends to blame women when men go off the rails on the grounds the ladies weren’t doing their job properly.  This is a very old fashioned view by Eileen’s standards.  Hanastrew, for example, thinks the individual should take responsibility for their own mistakes. As does Jennifer who wishes her mother would be more responsible for hers.

Magic = Power Source
That’s often more trouble than it’s worth, but it is okay for Eileen to use it. Eileen of course gets to define exactly what is okay.  You can't fault her honesty at least.

Secrets = Again more trouble than they’re worth
But it’s fine if Eileen keeps them.  She knows what she’s doing.  This is not a view Jennifer shares.

Derek = Sex on legs. 
And a damned fine gardener.  Eileen has a penchant for a man who likes getting dirty… She's a huge fan of Alan Titchmarsh.  So is Derek but the reasons differ! (Just as well for Mr Titchmarsh's sake).

Politicians = People who like power and who forget they’re meant to serve their public. 
In Eileen’s view this applies to both worlds she’s belonged to.

Journalists = Licensed snoopers, guaranteed to cause trouble. 
Eileen’s wary about the free flow of information.  While no dictator in the traditional sense, Eileen would prefer information to be “filtered” so the right information gets to the right people.  Naturally she would define what right was!

Brankaresh (Chief Wizard)
Power (especially magical gifts), riches and all that come with these things.  Ideally a totally subservient Fairy Queen so his other fantasies get fulfilled as well!  He has very little chance of achieving the latter unless he can use significant force, as he knows, and for that he needs more magical powers.  The best source for that is of course the Queen!  So he plays the game, pretending to be her devoted servant when he would far rather she was his devoted servant.


L’Evallier (Chief Elf)
Like the Queen, a stable government and an end to external threats to it.  Unlike the Queen, he longs for truly honourable behaviour from his monarch (she of course believes she already does this).  He particularly wishes the Queen would not try to force Eileen and Jennifer into the Fairy Kingdom and frets about the consequences given neither lady is likely to take this well.  Indeed when Jennifer is abducted, she does not!  On a minor note, he hates contractions and would love to see them abolished.


Hanastrew
To be a worthy protégé of her heroine, Eileen.  To run the fairy squad efficiently and for each member, including herself, to be brave and resourceful.  Hanastrew sympathizes with Eileen’s view fairy government must be honourable and honest.  While Hanastrew never understood Eileen’s defection, the young fairy did understand the older one’s anger at magical power abuses.  Hanastrew would also like to eat as much chocolate as possible without putting on any weight but even a fairy godmother cannot arrange that.  Certain laws, what goes in must go out (or on the hips) must always be obeyed!


Melanbury
To begin with, it was to have a proper marriage with L’Evallier.  Now their union has been consummated, Melanbury has become more ambitious.  Far from wanting to stay the doting, dutiful noble elf who seeks to please her family and follow the old ways (notably staying at home and producing baby elves), Melanbury has been active in Palace life, helping Eloise and Peter adjust to new life together after their tragedies.  Now Melanbury is the Queen’s correspondence secretary and loving the role.  L’Evallier does not approve, given he too is a disciple of the old ways, but he can see his wife is happy and that benefits him (at least when they’re both off duty!) so Melanbury is achieving a happy personal life and a career.  Now she doesn’t want anyone wrecking this.

Eileen Paige
Really does want to live in peace with Derek, Jenny, Edward and if she must with Paul too. Eileen condemned as selfish for taking a stance practically anyone else in the magical realm in the same position would take.  Eileen cannot think of anyone in the Fairy Kingdom who really would give up their chance of a successful relationship for the opportunity of being blasted away by yet another dragon!

Jennifer Williams (nee Paige)
Really does want to live her life in peace but that includes her mother not giving her additional grief.  This means for Jennifer no magic but she’s finding it difficult to resist using magic altogether and Eileen knows that urge to “perform” will strengthen.  Eileen, as ever, has not mentioned this.  Jennifer would also like her mother to be totally honest with her!  Also wants to live with Paul and Edward and to have a “normal” life.

The Fairy Queen, Roxannadrell
A quiet life where nobody challenges her, accepts her considered wisdom (instead of questioning it all the time a la Eileen) and where everybody sticks to their allotted role in life.  A life where inventions or straight “borrowings” from Earth are not misused the way she feels fairy-vision has been.  A life where her records are up to date and not written in some awful calligraphy that’s all so easy to misread, sometimes with dreadful consequences.  A life where L’Evallier praises her – sometimes at least.

The Chief Witch
Revenge.  In her earlier years, she relished her friendship with Eileen but Queen Gwendolyn’s admittedly bad treatment of the Witch and her abandoned father, fuelling the Witch’s resentment and hatred of fairy royals, overcome that affection.  The Witch really wanted to hit back at those who caused her hurt.  Sadly, she took the view that if the innocent got in the way, too bad.

The Queen is known to indulge in gardening as her hobby.  Do you have any hobbies?
Not exactly.  When not working in the Palace, I am back on my ancestral estates and ensuring all is being run well in my prolonged absences takes up all of my time when I actually am back "home".  I appreciate the ancient swords collected (and indeed used) by my ancestors.  I appreciate strolling around my grounds.  I have a great deal of sympathy with gardeners and nature lovers but I prefer to read books/watch fairyvision programmes produced by these people rather than garden or wildlife watch.

There have been rumours there is a direct link between the Palace and FNN and that news items have been broadcast without the Council’s prior knowledge.  Is there truth to these rumours?
I notice the Queen, to my mind, was evasive on this.  Yes many things went out on FNN without the Council's knowledge and only two people really had the clout to do that without fearing the consequences - Eileen and the Queen herself.  I believe humans have a saying that the ship of state is the only one that leaks from the top.  I am certain that is one of the rare instances where they are right.  As for "needing" to inform FNN, Her Majesty should still have done so with Council approval.  Given we are at the Palace most of the time, it would not have taken much extra time to prepare information to go out with Council knowledge.


Was Eileen right in her assessment of the Witch in that had the latter been treated decently the crone’s rebellion may never have happened?
Eileen always was far too soft on the Witch.  I appreciate that was because they were close in age and were for a long period effectively reared fairly closely together but Eileen gave the Witch far more chances than Eileen would have given anybody else.  I am certain Eileen would never have brought herself to killing the Witch, despite protestations otherwise.  In many ways I am thankful the Queen did that.  Not only was the Queen carrying out her duty here, it saved Eileen a, what for her, would have been a most unpleasant task.  But the Witch did not do anything to deserve Eileen's sympathy and that should be remembered.  Eileen was kind here, something not usually associated with her.


What is the single thing you regret most?
Melanbury and I should have spent more time together, alone, before our marriage.  I think we would not have been so hesitant about our relationship, so distant with one another, if we had begun the process of getting to know each other (and yes in every sense) a lot sooner than we did.  Both of us feel we are making up for lost time.


If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
I suppose a sense of humour would be useful.  I do not really have one and I know I come across as cold and unsociable as a result.  It is not my intention to be like that but when one is aware of the ancestral background, one does not want to act in an undignified manner and I suppose that adds to my reputation for haughtiness, even amongst my fellow nobles.

L'Evallier is Chief Elf and one of the most senior members of the Queen's Council.  He is known for his bluntness, even to the Queen, and is proud of the fact he is incorruptible.  He points out he is right to be proud of this given not all of his distinguished ancestors could claim that.  I should add he was the most reluctant interviewee.



What are you most proud of?
Roherum, your capacity for banal questions truly is amazing (this is not a compliment) but for the record, I am proud of my ancestral heritage, my wife and the work I do for the Queen and this blessed realm.

How much magic do you use in your role?
I endeavour to minimise my use of magic.  I see magic as being best kept for defensive measures, where common sense and discipline are not enough to protect against evil.  I use some magic to help organize my various roles (from Council Leader to Chief Elf, there is always far too much administration for any one person to see to – you should see my correspondence piles!). 

What part of your role do you enjoy the most?
I enjoy looking back at the end of my working day and seeing I have served my magical realm, my monarch and my people well.  That I have carried out all I need to do and I have left nothing undone.  The Queen’s correspondence can yield some interesting letters (usually from children who are honest in how they express themselves.  How unlike the Council!)

What is the part of your role you dislike most?
The paperwork, naturally, given it takes so much time.  Most of it is repetitive.  I also hate seeing people breaking the rules and getting away with it.  I do not distinguish on rank here.  I apply that to Eileen and Wes and Stan.  I have not enjoyed arguing with Eileen either.  She is a truly brilliant fairy godmother who would be even better if she was not so awkward.  I can understand her distrust of the Council though, especially given Brankaresh is not the most trustworthy of characters.

How do you organize your day?
It is difficult to answer this given my working days differ.  A lot depends on whether I am at the Palace or am on leave on my estates, whether I am "in Council" or dealing with paperwork in my Palace office.  Sometimes I accompany the Queen on her visits around the Kingdom, mainly to those more old-fashioned settlements who think every female, even our monarch, should be accompanied at all times.  I do not share that view incidentally though touring the Kingdom has been interesting.  I can tell you my working day is a very long one though.

What would you say was your greatest strength?
Strengths, plural, please note.  I am persistent, I try to be honourable and above all I am honest.  People know where they stand with me.

What would you say was your finest achievement?
Calming Eileen down when that has been needed.  Meeting and marrying my dear wife, Melanbury.  Getting her safely out of the Palace when the dragon attacked.

The Lord Chamberlain being interviewed is a unique event.  Not only did he need regal permission for this, he had to overcome his natural revulsion against being questioned by the likes of Roherum.  Only the fact the Queen is keen to "open up" the fairy monarchy so people can see its relevance and how it serves them persuaded him to talk at all.  Due to his reluctance to take part in the Queen's PR exercise (he strongly feels it lacks dignity but the Queen is the Queen so her word does matter), he answers as few questions as possible and notably less than the others taking part.

It is most gracious of the Queen to give us permission to interview you, Lord Chamberlain, and we quite understand that there are some questions you will not be able to answer due to the security issues surrounding your role.  However, we would be glad if you could give us a rough idea of what your job entails.  This FNN series is meant to educate the populace about the roles of those connected with our beloved Queen.
My role as Lord Chamberlain is to organize the Royal Household so that everybody from Her Majesty downwards has their meals and drinks at the correct times, supplies of food and drink and office supplies (for the Council and their meetings) are always maintained, to welcome appropriately vetted guests to the Palace and to ensure their comfort and to ensure that everybody is carrying out their allotted role correctly and if they need assistance they get it.  And before you ask, Roherum, that does not include the Queen.  Her Majesty does not need telling how to carry out her role!


What part of your role do you enjoy the most?
I like looking back at the end of the day and knowing that all has gone well.  When the Queen holds banquets to honour those who serve the Kingdom well it is a privilege for me to meet those brave youngest sons, giant killers, those who defy witches and live to tell the tale and not only that but to serve these heroes and heroines with the finest cuisine our realm has to offer.  The Queen has a vast wine cellar and it is enjoyable choosing the right drink to go with the meal and knowing from years and years of experience I have made the right choice as I know the Queen is always appreciative of that exquisite joy of a perfect banquet.  I suppose you could say, if you were to use vulgar human terms, I am the ultimate facilitator in the Palace.


What is the part of your role you dislike most?
Dealing with those troublesome sprites, Whespy and Stanrock, as disciplinary issues should not really fall within my remit.  There should be no disciplinary issues to deal with and if everybody acted courteously towards one another, there would be none.  I note that rogue pair seem to have settled though.  Her Majesty was right to send them to Earth.  No doubt the shock of living on that primitive planet and Eileen’s presence helped knock some sense into them.


How much magic do you use in your role?
Magic is a great boon for keeping on top of the administration.  Indeed a decent spell I swear is the only way of making sure the filing is done correctly.  I sometimes ask Her Majesty to manipulate time when there is too much to do in too little a time.  Her Majesty always agrees.  It helps her too, you see.  But knowing good food and wines comes down to decades of practical experience as does the general management of the Palace.  In short, I have to know what I’m doing.


Who is your deputy?
Her Majesty insists on all of her staff, including me, having a decent holiday during the summer months at her seaside home, waited on by other staff.  We host holidays at the Palace for them too.  So for this a deputy is needed and I chose L’Evallier, who was happy to agree.  Frankly that elf is the only being I’d trust with the running of the Palace in my absence.  The other Council members would do their best but L’Evallier has a real sense of what is proper, which is more important than most people realise.

It’s known your great-grandmother, Queen Gwendolyn, made many mistakes but which would you say was the greatest and had the most repercussions on the Fairy Kingdom?
In our opinion, she should never have married the dark wizard.  I know people say he only turned to the dark side after she abandoned him but he could have chosen a different path.  He could have shown her up by behaving honourably and serving the realm in a way she was not. I conclude the roots of evil were there in that wizard and all my great-grandmother did was hasten the day when that evil took hold.  I select this one as the Witch had a child by that wizard, the Chief Witch I had to eliminate to protect this blessed realm.  I often regret her birth!  I doubt if I am the only one in this Kingdom to think that.


Was Eileen right in her assessment of the Witch in that had the latter been treated decently the crone’s rebellion may never have happened?
I cannot rule that possibility out but I honestly believe Eileen is wrong.  Everyone knows Eileen and the Witch were close as children, thanks to nearness in age and shared hobbies, so if anyone was going to think the best of the Witch, it would be Eileen.  Anyone can have that judgement clouded, including my cousin and heir.  The Witch, being so resentful as to what Gwendolyn did (and I do understand that), would have realized she had a claim on the fairy throne and would have pursued it.  Being “ill-treated” was merely an excuse.


You ascended the throne in dreadful circumstances.  Was there any hint of revenge when you killed the Witch given her mother set up your mother’s assassination?
We have always tried to act justly, regardless of what Eileen or other troublemakers might claim.  We had had ample opportunity to “bump off” the Witch and did not do so.  We killed her in combat.  Yes we know you will say Eileen set up Brankaresh and the Witch knowing both would meet their fate at our hands but remember that unscrupulous pair would have had no hesitation in killing us and unpleasantly at that.  We do regret the Witch’s killing a little for Eileen’s sake given they were close as children.  The Witch was a fool.  She should have listened to Eileen urging her not to go for the throne.  We can only hope others will be deterred from rebellion by our tough stance.


There have been rumours there is a direct link between the Palace and FNN and that news items have been broadcast without the Council’s prior knowledge.  Is there truth to these rumours?
There are always troublemakers stirring up problems for Heads of State.  Yes, we have given information directly to FNN, mainly to save time and on issues where there is no controversy.  Indeed on occasion the Council have been grateful to us for speeding the process up and sparing them having to sit through drafting a statement when we can do so alone and issue it without there being any consequences.  We would not do anything deliberately to endanger our Kingdom, our Council, our people or ourselves and beyond that we will say no more on this topic.


How do you cope with the enormous amount of paperwork you receive from the Council and general public?
We accept we are never going to clear it all in any one day and work our way through it in several sessions throughout the day.  We find having three sessions of an hour at a time per day is better for our concentration than having one three hours session in one go.  Our Council inform us of priorities when it comes to signing things into law and naturally we follow those.  Else we work through from oldest document received downwards.  A team of my ladies in waiting help prepare draft replies to those from the public who write in to us and we give the nod to those.  Our ladies then prepare them, we read them through and sign them.  We try to reply to as many youngsters as possible directly as well.


Everyone knows you love gardening and that you have own special patch in the Palace grounds that only you look after but what is it about gardening that you love and how much time do you get to enjoy this hobby?
It is a combination of enjoying the fresh air, the wonders of flora and fauna and enjoying planting something and later seeing that plant grow.  We think this is magical in itself.  We are most at peace in our garden (other than when in our bedroom when we are asleep!).  We do not have nearly as much time as we would like to garden but we try to ensure that we have at least one hour per day.  Yes, we do work very long days to try to get all that we need to do/want to do in during the course of 24 hours.

What do you enjoy most about being monarch?  Which is your least favourite duty?
We enjoy meeting the people and touring the Kingdom.  Our realm is, with a few sad exceptions, a beautiful place and we relish every opportunity to see more of it.  We also enjoy bettering the Council and we are proud to say that now, unlike when we first came to the throne, they do treat me as far more than just a pretty face.  My least favourite duty is a difficult one to answer as we enjoy a lot of the paperwork (writing replies to children’s letters particularly) but we must confess we do not enjoy it all.  Indeed it has spurred us on our campaign to have laws and spells written in every day language rather than the archaic, which makes it so difficult to read.


How do you organize your day?
No two days are exactly the same but generally we tend to exercise our unicorns early in the morning before going in for our first paperwork session of the day.  We then head the first Council session of the day too.  We tend to go out late morning for engagements, where we usually have lunch and we often return to the Palace mid-afternoon where we have another paperwork session.  This leads into a review of the day time with the Council.  Evenings we use for going to concerts, visiting friends, hosting gala events and, perhaps as often as twice a month, we have a quiet evening which we spend reading for pleasure as opposed to business.  After dinner, we review our diary for the following day, then relax and bed.  We are on our feet or studying papers for most of our time.


You’ve described a typical working day when based at the Palace but how does your life work out when you have to be out and about?
A short engagement fits into my schedule as I’ve already mentioned but I do have to tour and so basically arrange a “base camp” at the noble homes of various friends, including the Council.  This base camp becomes a kind of mini Palace and I follow my usual routine from there.  If I’m staying at the home of a Council member, they will accompany me on the tour.  Else L’Evallier sends a representative to join us.  They then report back to the Council on how well, or otherwise, they think I’ve “performed”.  Naturally FNN like to follow us around too!


Eileen has travelled widely amongst the cosmos.  Now obviously you can’t just up and go but when you did have the chance to travel, while still a princess, you didn’t.  Do you regret that?
Yes.  Eileen, before she inexplicably fell out with us, always claimed travelling broadened the mind and that she picked up all sorts of useful methods of defending the weak.  Goodness knows how wide her mind is by this stage!  Still I will give her due.  When she was willing to describe her adventures, she went into a great deal of detail about life on the planet concerned as well as about those villains she had to tackle to ensure our realm’s security.  It is just such a pity she is nowhere near as helpful today.

What do you enjoy most about being monarch?  Which is your least favourite duty?
We enjoy meeting the people and touring the Kingdom.  Our realm is, with a few sad exceptions, a beautiful place and we relish every opportunity to see more of it.  We also enjoy bettering the Council and we are proud to say that now, unlike when we first came to the throne, they do treat me as far more than just a pretty face.  My least favourite duty is a difficult one to answer as we enjoy a lot of the paperwork (writing replies to children’s letters particularly) but we must confess we do not enjoy it all.  Indeed it has spurred us on our campaign to have laws and spells written in every day language rather than the archaic, which makes it so difficult to read.


How do you organize your day?
No two days are exactly the same but generally we tend to exercise our unicorns early in the morning before going in for our first paperwork session of the day.  We then head the first Council session of the day too.  We tend to go out late morning for engagements, where we usually have lunch and we often return to the Palace mid-afternoon where we have another paperwork session.  This leads into a review of the day time with the Council.  Evenings we use for going to concerts, visiting friends, hosting gala events and, perhaps as often as twice a month, we have a quiet evening which we spend reading for pleasure as opposed to business.  After dinner, we review our diary for the following day, then relax and bed.  We are on our feet or studying papers for most of our time.


You’ve described a typical working day when based at the Palace but how does your life work out when you have to be out and about?
A short engagement fits into my schedule as I’ve already mentioned but I do have to tour and so basically arrange a “base camp” at the noble homes of various friends, including the Council.  This base camp becomes a kind of mini Palace and I follow my usual routine from there.  If I’m staying at the home of a Council member, they will accompany me on the tour.  Else L’Evallier sends a representative to join us.  They then report back to the Council on how well, or otherwise, they think I’ve “performed”.  Naturally FNN like to follow us around too!


Eileen has travelled widely amongst the cosmos.  Now obviously you can’t just up and go but when you did have the chance to travel, while still a princess, you didn’t.  Do you regret that?
Yes. Eileen, before she inexplicably fell out with us, always claimed travelling broadened the mind and that she picked up all sorts of useful methods of defending the weak.  Goodness knows how wide her mind is by this stage!  Still I will give her due.  When she was willing to describe her adventures, she went into a great deal of detail about life on the planet concerned as well as about those villains she had to tackle to ensure our realm’s security.  It is just such a pity she is nowhere near as helpful today.

Are you ever tempted to fire your renowned critic, L’Evallier, or at least to rein him given he is your subject?
No.  L’Evallier is honest, honourable, hardworking and other positive attributes beginning with the letter “H”! He’s also incredibly haughty!  Having said that, he tells me what he thinks we ought to know rather than what he thinks he can get away with telling us.  That is incredibly refreshing, helps me more than he could ever realise (for a start it keeps me in touch with current public opinion) and we can easily point to him as the classic example proving we do not always appoint “yes men” to our inner circle.  He is also very efficient at helping us tackle our never ending correspondence.  In short he is far too useful for me to get rid of!


Given you are all powerful, why did you not force Eileen to stay in the Kingdom?  You could have done so.  Eileen acknowledges that.
It’s precisely because I could do so, I didn’t!  I don’t want a reputation for cruelty.  Also given our own bleak feelings about humanity, we were rather hoping Eileen would not stay on Earth for long and would hurry back here.  Alas we were wrong on that.  Eileen would almost certainly put up magnificent resistance against any magic I tried to use on her. Do I really want to inflict injuries on my cousin (potentially fatal ones at that)?  I feel it best to stick what we have arranged.  Eileen is continuing to serve us all.


Do you regret killing the Chief Witch?  Given Eileen’s comments about the Witch’s family being treated badly by your late relative, Queen Gwendolyn, do you think it possible Eileen had a point when asking for mercy for the Witch?
No. The late Witch repeatedly threatened the Kingdom, Eileen (to whom she owed a great debt!), as well as me, which we admit is not a surprise given Heads of State always receive death threats.  We were not prepared to allow the Witch to live to carry on her policy of attacking our people. The monarch’s first responsibility is to defend their people.  As for Eileen, she was always too soft on the Witch.  It goes to show anyone can have their judgement skewered.  Yes, we accept Gwendolyn did behave badly but it was not just to the Witch’s family, it was to others too (Eileen’s family funnily enough, I think Gwendolyn saw them as rivals) yet they didn’t try to destroy people.


Eileen warned you about Brankaresh’s “odd” behaviour which she thought treasonable.  Do you regret not stopping him sooner?  Will there be tighter controls on future Chief Wizards as they’re one of the few groups who could challenge you?
Yes.  It is a source of huge regret as we gave him every encouragement to be loyal by rewarding his excellent early work with promotion and royal favour.  There are tight controls over the Chief Wizard’s position in place now, the main measure being unannounced spot inspections.  Abstar, my current Chief Wizard, is happy over this claiming this is because he has nothing to hide.  No doubt time will prove him correct.

I cannot stress enough how much of an honour it is, Your Majesty, that you have agreed to talk to us today.  Perhaps you can give our readers and viewers your perspective on the “Eileen Affair”.
There is not a lot to say except that Eileen was wrong!  Duty should be everything for such a high powered fairy godmother.  To leave it all for a mere human male still beggars believe and, worse, would have given our rival, the Chief Witch, the biggest laugh of her miserable life.  Eileen should have known better than to give her that opportunity.  Also it would have helped a lot had Eileen not bottled things up.  Until almost the last minute, I had no idea she was so discontented.  Yes she moaned I sent her out on lots of dangerous missions but she knew as well as I did that was exactly what fairy godmothers of her experience and royal breeding are meant to do. 


Ma’am, you and your family have striven for centuries to eradicate the practice of older fairies stealing Earth children.  So with that in mind, do you regret abducting Jennifer and her small child?  Wasn’t that action a kind of regression?
No.  I knew getting Jennifer and Edward into our realm would being Eileen back and I am more than happy to tolerate them as long as they learn to fit in.  Jennifer has to balance two types of blood in her so she will have more difficulty in balancing her skills than a full blood would.  I see this as additional reason to be in the Kingdom as magical oddities are considered normal here.  Jennifer would not be made to feel odd.  I don’t believe I regressed.  Ironically I was trying to help Jennifer not that she will ever admit to that.


You were reluctantly against the fairy squad led by Hanastrew but have now been seen and heard praising them.  What were your “anti reasons”?
You know the Kingdom periodically has rebellions so do we want to equip people with the training and methods available in the usual manner.  We think not!  That was our original thinking and it is not unreasonable in itself. Having said that with the Witch increasing her awful attacks made us recognize the need for a fighting unit to be able to respond nigh on immediately.  We will continue to set seasons, times and develop spells we can share with the squad to help them in their valiant battles.


Eileen, of course, was for the fairy squad from beginning, so proving she isn’t wrong on every matter.  Are there other issues where you feel Eileen isn’t wrong?
Eileen had selfish motives to back the squad, remember.  Had the squad been proven to be useless, they wouldn’t have stayed “open for business”.  In general terms Eileen is right to warn about menaces within the Kingdom as well as those exterior to it.  Sadly she seems besotted with humanity and life on Earth do I doubt if we’ll get anything sensible out of he there!  She works and studies hard, which is great.  She’s not afraid to criticise those in power.  We are all in favour of her doing that to the Council but it is a lot less pleasant when she takes it into her head to do this to me!

Are you happy to be considered your mother’s deputy?  (In law you are this).  Would you back up with your magical firepower, no matter how limited, the way say Hanastrew has done?
Yes but only to back her up and out of love for her rather than out of respect for the magical world (as I don’t have any).  I have been practicing magical defence spells and will keep working at these.  I’ve got no wish to be eaten alive by some foul creature from some weird dimension.  Mother has told me about Hanastrew’s amazing abilities (including her talent for demolishing a chocolate éclair in nanoseconds, which makes me warm to her) and I don’t plan to compete with this fairy.  My magical help should be considered a case of “doing what I can when I can”.


Are you sure your friends cannot detect what you are?  When you practice magic, what precautions do you take to ensure no detection?
Yes.  You don’t think I want to advertise it, do you?  Bear in mind my fellow humans would consider me mad for revealing what Mother is.  They might consider me dangerous if I used the magic to show I too have magical blood.  So when I practice magic, I put on every anti-detection spell and protection charm I can think of.  I don’t want any more grief that that already bestowed by my over generous Mother!  Yes, I am being sarcastic, Roherum. The only thing I have to watch is when I fly.  I do enjoy that so I use invisibility to protect me there.  It doesn’t fool the birds in the sky though.  They can sense me and get bloody annoyed.  You should hear them squawk at me.


Have you got used to the animals being able to talk in your garden?  Do they ever say anything remotely interesting?
Just about.  Ironically one of the few areas where I agreed with the Queen was on the talking animal experiment.  Wildlife really are not here for our amusement.  Having said that, Greyfur, the squirrel, is often very witty and Podgy gives me all the gossip from the bird world.  Their sex lives are quite steamy apparently!  Above all, the wildlife act as an early warning system something unwelcome is coming through from another dimension and I will be eternally grateful to them for that.


As a half-magical being, what do you find your limitations are?  Can you only do  half the spells or each spell at half strength?
One big limitation is being written off due to being half of anything!  I am me, Jenny Williams, my own person etcera etcera.   For the record, I’ve had no trouble with any of the spells I’ve learned.  Bear in mind on Earth mongrel creatures, like cross breed dogs, are usually far healthier than their pedigree colleagues.  So don’t write off half beings.  I know the Queen has voiced the view I will only be able to take in half as many spells at full strength but I’m not sure if this is a canny way to get me to prove her wrong so I learn more magic so I’m playing safe and ignoring this.  I will learn magic in a way that I find compatible.

Would you be prepared to visit the Kingdom on a regular basis to get to know the place and its people better?  And would you take Edward?
Yes but I would have to have cast iron guarantees that I would be going back home again.  Given the Queen kidnapped me, my wariness here should be understood.  Whilst prepared to get to know the place and its people, you should be aware that doesn’t mean I’ll suddenly want to desert my own people and/or planet.  I would not take Edward.  The magical world is dangerous and no place for a child.  Ask Harry Potter!  I would take Edward later once most, if not all, dangers are dealt with.


You unwittingly reassured the Kingdom by being so against being in succession to the throne (there’s nothing anyone can do about that).  Does the thought of being royal really not hold any appeal?  Can’t you use the position to your advantage, the way your mother has always done?
I’m happy being human.  I don’t need to be royal. I can see the downside of being on call all the time and very much on display. I concede there might be some advantages I could use but there are disadvantages in being compared to Mother.  She’s a killer for one thing, yes I know in defence, but all the same. I would rather be left alone to live my life in peace with my loved ones.  I thought it was what Mother wanted too when she defected.  I don’t need status.


Would you come to the defence of the Fairy Kingdom if it needed your help?
Yes.  I wouldn’t see innocent beings come to harm, no matter what world they’re from, so the Fairy Kingdom ought to update its records and accept that not every human is a murdering, greedy brute.  Having said that I still say the Kingdom is better off defending itself.  Mother has rightly pointed out because I am a half-breed I am likely to have only half strength powers (or not the entire range).  My magic is bound to be watered down by my humanity.  The Kingdom itself ought to be able to take sensible precautions against being attacked though it would help the cause no end if it didn’t go around annoying everybody.


Are there no aspects of human life that tempt you to give it up and make a new life away from those aspects?  You would be accepted in the Kingdom now if only for your brave mother’s sake.
I hate pollution, war and greed too but refuse to believe only humans are capable of it so my general answer here is a definite no!  As for being accepted for my mother’s sake, have you any idea how patronising, how horrible that statement is?  I should be accepted for myself.  Your comment there is added reason to stay away from the magical realm.  Why go to a place where I am merely tolerated and not made welcome?  How would you feel about that, Roherum? 

What would you say was your finest achievement?
Surviving the ogre of despair and the dragon that decided I would make a fine mate for it!  There is something truly scary about encountering a creature known for killing and finding it doesn’t want to kill you, it has sex on its mind!  I hope I never face anything as horrid as that again!


Have you ever misused magic?
No!  It’s fairer to say magic is guilty of misusing me given all it’s ever done is endanger me!  I wouldn’t dream of misusing magic by the way.  It’d be like trying to meddle with a bomb.  You just know there’s going to be trouble of the nasty kind.


Will you be upfront with Edward, when he is older, about his magical heritage?  Or will you try to suppress his instinctive skills as Eileen did with you? Now you’re a mother, do you have more sympathy with what Eileen tried to do here?
It’s not for you to tell me how to bring up my own son but I will say I will always act in his best interests.  I can understand now why Mother did what she did but I’m still not convinced it was the best thing to do.  Mother shouldn’t have defected or made absolutely sure she did such a good job of it, there would be no chance of her past catching up with her.  I haven’t decided how to broach this with Edward when he is a suitable age but I do know I must decide. 


Given you have magical skills, why not use them as widely as possible to make life easier for yourself?
Because I’m wary of unleashing forces I know I’m not in control of and where I suspect those forces could turn on me and control yours truly!  Also I have had it drummed into me by the Queen and Mother the Kingdom’s existence must not be exposed to humanity.  I figure the less I use magic the risk of accidental exposure is reduced.  I do use some magic to make life easier for myself but limit its uses as I don’t want Edward going through life thinking the answer to all his problems is to blast them away with a wand or a spell.  And I would point out your own Queen doesn’t think all problems should be solved that way either.  It tends to lead to being overthrown!


Paul has come to terms with what you are, mainly thanks to blaming your mother.   Yet your mother married for love and gave up a luxurious life for it.  What would you give up for Paul?
Mother also decided to please herself, Roherum.  She could have made a decent match with someone of her ilk in your world.  She was expected to do so.  There is a very strong argument Mother did let your world down.  She has also unwittingly put my Dad and I at risk and now Edward too.  Mother admits there are nasty creatures out there drawn to those with magical blood.  I’m not thrilled at that.  As for Paul, yes I’d defend him to the death, magically if necessary.  Though also certainly magic would be the cause of my having to defend him to the death in the first place!

You’re so vehemently anti-magic it is whispered in the realm you are racially bias against any species you cannot understand.  Is there any truth in that?
Of course not!  I’m against magic, not those who have to live with it and use it.  I’m against magic because all it has ever done for me is endanger me and/or my loved ones.  Trust me, that’s enough to get anyone’s goat and no, Roherum, you can look up the meaning of that phrase for yourself.  I’m not telling you everything.  I would remind you also that the Kingdom has been vehemently anti-human, which Mother tells me has a lot to do with your past and which funnily enough I can understand, but as you can see it’s not one-way traffic here, is it?


What hobbies do you enjoy on Earth?  Are there any hobbies you think you could take up were you to live permanently in the magical world?
I love reading, photography (digital), visiting historic buildings and humorous fantasy.  I only wish I had more time to enjoy these things but know full well the one wish no magical being can grant themselves is to tamper with the nature of time.  I can see the point of that, it means history cannot be rewritten, but it can be frustrating that I can’t even use my magic to give me a bit of extra free time.  Sure I can blast dragons and foul fiends to the next world but that’s not really what I want to be doing!  There’s no way I’d live permanently in your world, Roherum, but had I no choice, I think I would focus on becoming a top notch flyer.


If you could interview anyone in history who would it be?
Lazarus!  Given what Mother’s dropped me in, I’d like to interview Queen Gwendolyn and ask her why she was such an idiot bringing humans into her world because she set the precedent her dodgy descendant is following now.  The only difference is Roxannadrell uses kidnapping instead.  Had Gwendolyn any idea at all of what she might be unleashing?


What is the single thing you regret most?
Ever discovering Wes and Stan in my loft!  Ever listening to that bloody pigeon telling me to look in my loft.  When I first heard odd things talking to me, I should’ve suggested to Paul we move right away at once.


What would you say was your greatest strength?
The ability to face up to things without becoming hysterical, which is just as well given what Mother came out with!  I have a strong sense of justice and fair play too.  I know Mother would say she has that too but unlike her I go out of my way not to drop people in it.  And before you ask me, Roherum, if I’m feeling a bit miffed with Mother still, well too right I am!


If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
I admit I do have a tendency to whinge (I’m usually stressed out when I do) so that could go.  I’d really love to just be an ordinary human being.  I can live without the magical world and I know damn well they can equally live just as well without me.  I’d like more time as I always seem to be rushing around.  I’d like to slow down a bit, without using magic.