YOU NEVER KNOW
So you think I live a luxurious life as a tour guide do you? That I stay in the poshest hotels, sleep in the finest beds (alone before you ask), dine on the finest food and enjoy the best wines and all for free?
You’re right. I do. There is a price to pay though.
Stop scoffing. I can hear you. Magical beings have sensitive senses, even junior class fairies like me.
The problem with being a tour guide is you never know what your clientele will be like. It’s all very well when they’re nice but that is far from the case at times.
Some lap up everything you say, others contribute useful historical knowledge while the rest show-off and are a pain in the butt. Sadly those are the ones with the most money so you shut up. You quickly learn when tact pays.
Incidentally have you tried being rational with an out-of sorts orc? I have. Given they haven’t got the sunniest of dispositions at the best of times, even you should appreciate that is not an easy part of my job. So stop whinging I have it easy. I can hear you muttering.
In the Fairy Kingdom, attitude is everything. It is not always clear who is the powerful wizard or the meddling apprentice. I assume anyone I meet is capable of blasting me to smithereens if I cross them. It’s a sensible approach. It limits how likely I am to offend someone (and pay a horrendous price for doing so).
Even if the clientele are not a problem, they all want to see the volcano where that troublesome ring was dumped. Some idiot always tries to fish the thing out again. We have to take the same route that heroic hobbit took. It’s in the contract. Don’t follow that to the letter and you’re out on your ear and other parts of your anatomy before you can blink. I’ve seen that happen.
I personally don’t mind sushi as the mainstay of my diet (or the Gollum Special as we call it) when we take that particular tour but it is not for everyone. I couldn’t see you tolerating that. I heard your crack about my gobbling everything edible in sight. Okay so I have put on weight, I am a dumpy fairy, but I must try the food. It is in my job specification. So there. It’s also the best way of convincing the clientele they will be looked after. You’re not going to risk your own life eating something dodgy are you?
One further tip to the wise - never eat anything glowing red as it’s unlikely to be healthy. I must thank Snow White for telling me that. She should know so do listen to her advice, even if you ignore mine.
Now tell me again, are you sure you want to be a magical tour guide?